Well, that went predictably pear-shaped. Apparently my blog ‘lacks direction’. It’s the first one! How much d’you want me to say? And if it lacks direction it’s only because it holds a mirror up to the goings-on in the InkyLab office. You do nothing, I have nothing to write. 

 

(And Gaz says he does not lie about drinking all day thinking up one word – he fucking does or he could write this bastard blog himself, lazy shit! And Phil is not sessile, even though he didn’t even know what the word meant till I explained it to him. Or an oak. Well, he should’ve seen the multiple revisions I had to make to come up with something so polite!)

 

So here I am in this veritable beehive of industry, buzzing in the rarefied air of creativity. How’s that? Better? Good. Right. And what am I doing here, why am I writing this blog? Well, here are Phil’s own notes which Gaz generously passed onto me. 

 

  1. We’ve agreed to give K his own platform in return for him compiling a history of InkyLab and the day to day running of InkyLab.
  2. K needs to introduce himself, how does he know us? 
  3. I don’t mind the insults (apart from obvious fat jokes, heartless bastard!) but it needs to be clear what the blog is about.
  4. We need to give K a job title. 
  5. Could he have a sign off that he uses for every post?

 

How does he know us!? We’ve been friends for years, you pair of twats! I lived with you, Gaz! I gave you my heater so you didn’t freeze to death in your sleep that winter the boiler broke. We bought a pair of brandy quaichs together. I didn’t report you to the police when you clanged me over the head with a frying pan and I was hospitalized because ‘this isn’t a Tom & Jerry cartoon’. And Phil, I had to thank you every time you came out with us for the first two years. Admittedly, it was Jimmy made us do that, it wasn’t you. But it was weird. That’s how I know them.

 

And I do need a job title, yes. Just a job would be nice. This is a fucking charity. 

 

And I’m out of words. You’ll have to wait till the next instalment for more. I’m done. 

 

K Weismann, beer-wallah, it seems. 

 

PS: you can fuck off with a catchphrase sign-off! 

‘Awful!’ I said. ‘Piss-weak bletherings of a pair of cretins!’

‘Well, you’d know,’ the hatted one said. ‘That’s every submission you send us.’ Ponce

‘They are carefully constructed and crafted pieces. There’s an art to it.’

‘I suppose you could do it much better,’ said the sessile oak with the Punisher tattoos. 

‘Standing on my head in a bucket of turps.’

 

So I talked myself right into that one, didn’t I?

The Ponce and the Punisher put me to work at once as InkyLab’s resident blogger. 

Resident blogger! Blogging on what, guys!? You do fuck all! 

 

(And I’ll bet that gets edited. I’ll bet that ends up as a string of asterisks. No, I can’t just be left to write whatever I want. I can’t swear, Heaven forbid! It’s Unprofessional. Someone might be Offended. We can’t just put up a palliative disclaimer at the top of the page for these terminal offendees. No, we’ll just redact half the blog. Twats.)

 

Where was I? 

Oh, they do fuck all, that’s right. 

Yeah, I’m supposed to conjure up a blog out of weak tea and thick air about what these guys are doing day to day. Jesus. 

OK, here goes. 

Phil is grappling with some half-arsed Soviet-era Poundshop simulacrum of Adobe Photoshop cos he won’t pay for the real thing. He has been at it for about four and a half hours and is currently swearing like a massive hypocrite with his big bear mitt caught in a gin trap and throwing stationery about the place in a very Zen manner. This all to the burbling consternation of:

Gaz, who is lying supine on a ratty holy relic of a corduroy sofa, smoking rollies, drinking Jilt (half gin, half Lilt – you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll not notice you’ve fallen out of a first-floor window) and daydreaming. By the end of the afternoon, when Phil has managed to turn a poster of Kitchener into a postage stamp of Yosemite Sam, Gaz will have come up with le mot juste, ‘batholithic’. 

They will now go for A Pint to celebrate A Hard Day’s Work. 

Arseholes. 

 

Oh, that’s right, they have a new anthology of short stories out, Within A Forest Dark

Check out their website, www.inkylabpress.com

 

Oh, you’re on it… 

K Weismann, unpaid lackey. 

Our “friend” and “colleague” K Weismann has been given the honour of being the official InkyLab biographer. He will be posting regular updates, interviews and information as myself and Gareth continue to develop and grow our beloved publishing company. Stay tuned and we will be posting links via social media very soon for his first post.

Best Wishes

Phil